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Stage of Life

  • Senior to Senior: Curiosity

    Are you still curious about the world around you? You may feel that you have been there, done that, and that nothing surprises you anymore, but you could be wrong.  

    Unfortunately inertia is rampant, and it keeps a good many seniors stuck in the past. Experience counts but it isn’t everything. There are still places to go and so many things to learn.

    How much time did you/do you spend looking for answers? Age is no excuse, even a child knows that. It is why they keep asking all of those pesky questions. Why this? Why that? Why? Why? Why? Drove you crazy, didn’t it? Hopefully they won’t, as you didn’t, accept that all too familiar phrase “because I said so.”

    It wasn’t the right answer then, and it isn’t the right answer now. The answers to most questions are out there, but you have to be curious enough to hunt for them. Do a little research and give your grands, as well as yourselves, a real, age appropriate, answer.

    Look for those answers together. It will be fun and it will spark even more questions. Besides, they will think you are the smartest person in the world.  

    It is never too late to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that curiosity never dies. One of the misguided stereotypical beliefs about aging is that curiosity dies, but studies indicate that this is not true.  Curiosity, researchers say, remains the same throughout a person’s lifetime, and older adults who remain curious tend to live longer than those who do not, which is reason enough.

    Take a few minutes to think, to appreciate, and jump at the chance to seek new experiences. Ask questions. There is no such thing as a dumb question, and you should never fear that you will sound ignorant if you ask why or how. We spend way too much time worrying about what someone else thinks about us instead of being intellectually curious.

     Start small.  Join a book club, learn a new language, take up gardening, ask questions.  Nobody knows everything, and you shouldn’t have to pretend that you do.

  • Finding Joy

    What happened to joy? It is still out there, it has to be, doesn’t it?  It may take a good sermon to jog your memory, but surely words like gratitude, appreciation, and awe count for something.   

    We tend to focus on the opposite of joy, which isn’t too surprising when the news focuses exclusively on anxiety, stress, sadness, unprecedentedness, disinterest, and mental health.  

    It takes a lot of effort to find joy, and if you wait too long you may miss it altogether. Don’t be like photographers or artists who only want to record perfect moments. For most of us, life is made up of a series of simple, quite ordinary, and not very memorable events.

    What if ordinary isn’t ordinary at all?  Can you learn to find joy in simple things? Try looking beyond the ordinary.  It won’t be easy. We have all been conditioned to believe that if something isn’t “extraordinary” it doesn’t count for anything.

    Wouldn’t you rather wake up in the morning thinking that joy is just around the corner? You can, if you train yourself to be creative, to be joyful. Your first job is to understand that creativity isn’t just about artistic talent. It is more than that, it is a special awareness that helps you recognize that the ordinary can be beautiful too.    

    Take ageing for example. It is hard to think of ageing as being extraordinary, or something to be joyful about, but it is, because not everyone gets to do it. We are so lucky.

    Schedule joy into your life. Start by making a “joy” list. Come on. Surely there are some joyful things that you want to do, Let me give you a few examples. How about meeting friends for lunch, walking your dog, reading the classics, or not. What about sipping a mocha latte, taking a class or joining a group?   You are never too old to enjoy something new.

     Last but not least, be good to yourself. Stay physically active, nurture social connections, keep your mind sharp, and prioritize self-care. Smile a little and let some joy into your life.

  • To Be Visible

    You have heard the expression “all babies look alike,” well, they say it about seniors too. It’s not true of course, but it seems that once you pass 65 you begin to fade into the woodwork. The assumption is that gray hair, wrinkles, and sore feet are a sure sign that dementia is not far behind.

    Doesn’t that make you just a little bit mad?  You may not be quite as tech savvy as today’s youngies, but your brain is still firing on all of the cylinders that count.  

    Still, you are not alone if you start doubting yourself. When service people avoid looking at you and addressing answer to “your questions” to someone else, it is a sign that they don’t think you will understand.

    It’s okay if you want to defer to your kid for advice, but you shouldn’t have to point out that you have several college degrees, have a good understanding of the English language, and are capable of logical decision making.

     Be wary of anyone patting you on the head or calling you “honey.” especially if it is your own children. Go ahead, give them the evil eye, but don’t be too harsh, just make sure they understand where you are coming from.

    Still the question arises. How are you supposed to make a difference when no one sees you?   As people grow older there are fewer opportunities to feel like they matter. Self-worth and identity suffer when you feel you are no longer relevant or productive.

    The onus is on you of course. To be or not to be, or visible or invisible?  Refuse to let others erase you from your space in the world. Be strong. Seniors do more in their communities than any other age group and they have an organization that is more powerful than even they understand.     

    And as for you; stop saying you are having senior moments. Have a life beyond your grandchildren, and for heaven’s sake keep your aches to yourself. Practice being visible, whether wearing a red hat or speaking up at city council meetings. Be interested and be interesting.

  • A New Routine

    A New Routine

    Retirement. How is that going for you? You dreamed about it for decades, but you are not alone if you find yourself feeling oddly bereft.  No matter how you look at it, retirement is a “precursor to old age,” which is deflating to say the least.

    It is fun for us old timers. We watch you dip your toes in. You scurry around, desperately trying to fill every moment, and that’s okay, for now.  Admittedly, watching you try to do everything at once is enough to make our heads spin, but frantic as it seems, we know that the honeymoon phase will soon be over.  

    Whether you loved your job or were mired in burnout, you had a routine, and it was a comfortable one. Your work was what you did, and in many instances, it was who you were. No shame in that.

    Love or hate, your workday dictated your schedule. There were expectations, you had goals to meet, and a sense of satisfaction when you met them. Leaving all that behind creates a void, a sense of isolation. Something is missing.   Your “club” was the people you worked with, gossiped about, and shared satisfaction and dissatisfaction with.

     Life, as you know it, will no longer be dictated by the hands of the clock. This sounds quite wonderful at first, but it can be discombobulating.   

    Once the initial euphoria wears off, your new life will officially begin. Endless time will weigh heavily on you. You will miss the routine, the sense of structure that used to form your days.  What are you going to do?

    Stop panicking.  Slow down for a few minutes and let your body and your mind settle. Accept that you do not have to adhere to 8 hour days.

    Listen to your body. This isn’t too hard because you will soon find that “it” has a lot to say. Start by paying attention to when you are tired, hungry, energetic or reflective. Use that information to establish a new “routine.”  Once you have a sense of what works for you, you can plan activities that interest you and you will soon find your purpose. You are going to be alright.

  • A Letter

    I don’t know about you, but getting a letter, whether via e-mail or finding it in the dusty crevices of your mailbox, is so great.
    Whether it comes from someone you haven’t thought of in years, or a friend that you know quite intimately, matters not. It is communication with the outside world. What could be better than that?   

    Whatever happened to old fashioned letter writing?  We talk a lot about the importance of connection, so why does it seem so hard?  We can blame technology, but that isn’t the real reason. Quite the contrary, we should be thanking technology for giving us so many ways to connect with others.

     The people who can’t seem to write a letter, even a short one, are the same ones that can’t bring themselves to type out a text message, an e-mail, or even a few words via messenger. Is it that they don’t care?

    Communication is dying right in front of our eyes.  Pictures are nice but they don’t give off the same “reach out and touch someone” vibe as the written or spoken word, even if it is to just to tell someone that they are alive and well.  

    The trouble with tech communication is that you read it, delete it, and forget it. Not so with real letters. Surely, I am not the only one who has a shoebox filled with letters tucked away somewhere. My box is filled with letters written 30 odd years from a daughter stationed on the other side of the world. They were appreciated then and cherished now.

    Write a letter to someone today. A “remember when”, or just a “I am thinking of you” moment, or for no reason at all. An excellent anecdote if you are feeling lonesome or melancholy. Our circle of friends is dwindling and we are helpless to do anything about it, but for every friend who has passed away there is someone who would love to hear from you.

    Writing is so easy. You don’t have to take a class to learn how to do it.  If your hands are stiff or shaky, it is perfectly alright to text or e-mail or pick up the phone. It’s the thought that counts. Go ahead.  Make someone’s day. Make your own day.

  • Little Things

    Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Everyone’s favorites things, but hardly likely to get you through rough times. Something else comes to mind, the “little things” that somehow make the ordinary become extraordinary.

    Little things that may be so insignificant that you barely notice them would be dearly missed if they were absent. Think of them as hugs that you didn’t know you needed. You know, when you are feeling tired, achy, discouraged, or when you are “coming down with something.” Hugs. It may be time to give credit where credit is due?

    My personal favorite is the first cup of coffee of the day. You know, the one you take back to the bedroom to savor in peace, before getting ready to face the day. That’s not all. There is that steaming hot shower at the end of a grueling day. As a senior you likely don’t have as many grueling days as you used to, but there are enough aches, pains, and frustrations to make up the difference.

     If you haven’t isolated a few little things to get you through the day, you are missing out on the “finest of the fine.”.

     Life, as we know it, is made up of a series of events, big and small. Hopefully you aren’t spending so much time waiting for the big events that you fail to notice the small, because they deserve better than that,   

    By now you might have noticed that the big events are few and far between. They were great and you deserved every one of them. Your wedding, birthday parties, good performance evaluations, and the promotion that you worked so hard for made everything else seem worthwhile.

    The little things are actually more memorable, and they are yours alone. I hope you take a moment, now and then, to notice how they made you feel?  Little things like basking in the warmth of the sun, taking a bubble bath, feeding the birds. or laughing at the antics of your puppy. Little things that put a smile on your face or bring tears to your eyes.  Cherish them.

  • The Glass Half Full Club

    Everyone knows the glass half full story. It’s a great thought, but it gets harder to swallow as the years roll by. It relates though, depending on how you look at that glass.

    Senior friends tend to be happy to be alive and reasonably well, but that doesn’t mean they don’t complain about the “side effects” of aging.  We all vowed, back in the day, that we would not talk incessantly about our ailments, but it is happening.  We have reached an age where symptoms, surgeries, and doctor appointments fill our calendars. Of course we talk about them, it’s hard not to, because fellow seniors are the only ones who understand. It is like belonging to a club.

    So, as club members we grin and bear it, but we sometimes wonder what happened to the rest of that glass?  We try to avoid the “D” (depression) word because we love life and are happy that we are still able to enjoy it.

    Aging happens. It is disconcerting.  It sneaked up on us when we weren’t looking. We didn’t plan. We didn’t know. We saw it happening to other people, but we never thought it would happen to us.  

    Learning how to cope is a full-time job. Complaining is just problem solving, right?  We can even look at the bright side, but only because we have each other.

    Problem solving and laughter are paramount. Researchers agree, and studies conclude that older people, that’s us, are happier than we were before all this happened.  Go figure. Perhaps finding out that half a glass is “good enough” is the answer, or it could be that we now have time to “find ourselves,” whatever that means.

    Everyone wants to “find themselves,” but how to do that remains a mystery.    The words meditation, prayer, and socialization are stressed, but they are hard to do alone.  This is where “the club” fits in.  

    Throw away unrealistic expectations but by all means talk about your surgeries, symptoms, and other issues, but be positive. Nobody wants to hear the woe-is-me saga, but there is nothing wrong with seeking understanding.

  • Gift of Time

    People of extraordinary wisdom have been telling us for years that the only thing we don’t have enough of is “time.”  Of course we knew that, but it is so easy to forget. It takes a lifetime of living for that homily to sink in.   

    When and why did we get so careless with time? How often did we said, “It doesn’t matter, we can do it later, or there will always be other days?”

    We became masters at “putting things off” because we thought we had all the time in the world. It doesn’t work that way, does it? We know the answer to that now; it’s one of those older and wiser things.  

    Our excuses were always the same.  We were too busy or too distracted, even though we knew, deep down, that time wasted is an opportunity missed.

    So much to do. So little time. Getting behind, putting things off, and rescheduling are all byproducts of wasted time.  It is way too easy to think, or say, “let’s wait a minute. We can do that tomorrow, or next month, or maybe never.” Wasting time becomes a mantra, until so much time has gone by that we can never catch up.  

    What can you do to slow time down? What about declaring a “WHAT IF” day. A day to ponder all the possibilities that were postponed, or missed altogether, because you thought you had more time.  

    “WHAT IF” today was the day you were supposed to meet the love of your life, or the day you said “No” to a move or a promotion because something better might come along?  “WHAT IF” you knew that today was going to be the last time you were to see a parent, a friend, or your child?  

    There is no guarantee that tomorrow is going to be better than today. If we haven’t learned anything else, we should have at least learned that we shouldn’t squander the time we have left. There are parents, grandparents, and children to hug, phone calls to make, letters to write, volunteer opportunities to fulfill, thoughts to think, and prayers to breathe.

  • Decisions

    Seniors have a lot of decisions to make. You will likely shrug your shoulders and think that you have been doing this forever, what’s the big deal now?  Think about it. Senior decisions are all “big deals,” mainly because you no longer have the luxury of changing your mind.  

    The brain changes as you age, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Age, accompanied by experience and wisdom are a hard combination to beat.  This is a good thing, because the decisions you make today will be forever.

    Social media makes it difficult to settle. Outside forces are always suggesting that if you hold out long enough you will find something bigger and better.  Deep down you know this isn’t true. You need to make decisions based on your own personality, your own personal history, and your own values.

    Obviously, an emergency situation, where immediate action is called for, doesn’t give you time to second guess yourself, but fortunately most decisions are more forgiving than that.   

    How do you make your decisions? Do you fly by the seat of your pants, or do you agonize over each and every one of them?  You do know by now that all decisions don’t have to be big deals, and that sometimes “good enough” is well, good enough.

    By the time you reach senior status you have learned that it is best not to overload yourself. Little things like “deciding” what to wear or whether you need to do laundry today are not worth agonizing about. It is okay to let routines (things you do without thinking) take over in everyday life. Focus instead on lifestyle changes, which, as it turns out, are a big deal.  

    Like most humans you can drive yourself crazy without out any outside help at all, but if you make poor decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself.

    The lesson learned, of course, is that YOU want to make decisions (hopefully good ones) that will allow you to live out your days with grace and maturity.  No more second guessing.  

  • Leaving The Nest

    Ah, I know what you are thinking. Leaving the nest is all about the kids leaving home. You have been there and done that, but what does that have to do with you now?

    Experiencing the classic empty nest syndrome, and physically leaving your own nest, is an entirely different story. However, the emotional overtones are the same, no matter what your age.  

    Whether you are 18 or 80, the thought of leaving the place where you have lived for many years is heart wrenching.  As a parent you were teary-eyed when the last child left your nest, but it was your nest, and empty of family or not, it held the story of you.

    A lot will depend on the lifestyle that you adopted, but in today’s mobile society, even having a nest is a minor miracle. It ceases to be a big deal when you move often, but you aren’t the only one who has lived in a family home for decades.

    People who have moved frequently know the drill. Whether a military family or a wife following a spouse from one end of the country to the other, you learned early on that too much stuff drags you down, not to mention how costly it is.  

    Everyone else, the ones who stayed on the farm or in the same town for a lifetime, will find downsizing a little harder.  It is not surprising that “nesters” become deeply attached to “things,” and that they find downsizing quite disturbing.

    True downsizing means reducing the size of your home. You are doing this for a reason and it is going to require a lot of thought, research, and planning.

    The biggest decision will be about what you can keep, what can be given away, and what ends up in the trash. If you seriously can’t do this, it might be prudent to hire a professional organizer (an outside party who can be firm but kind).

    Your job is to keep in mind that you want to be remembered for being a kind, thoughtful, wonderful person, rather than for all of the stuff you accumulated.