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Stage of Life

  • A New Routine

    A New Routine

    Retirement. How is that going for you? You dreamed about it for decades, but you are not alone if you find yourself feeling oddly bereft.  No matter how you look at it, retirement is a “precursor to old age,” which is deflating to say the least.

    It is fun for us old timers. We watch you dip your toes in. You scurry around, desperately trying to fill every moment, and that’s okay, for now.  Admittedly, watching you try to do everything at once is enough to make our heads spin, but frantic as it seems, we know that the honeymoon phase will soon be over.  

    Whether you loved your job or were mired in burnout, you had a routine, and it was a comfortable one. Your work was what you did, and in many instances, it was who you were. No shame in that.

    Love or hate, your workday dictated your schedule. There were expectations, you had goals to meet, and a sense of satisfaction when you met them. Leaving all that behind creates a void, a sense of isolation. Something is missing.   Your “club” was the people you worked with, gossiped about, and shared satisfaction and dissatisfaction with.

     Life, as you know it, will no longer be dictated by the hands of the clock. This sounds quite wonderful at first, but it can be discombobulating.   

    Once the initial euphoria wears off, your new life will officially begin. Endless time will weigh heavily on you. You will miss the routine, the sense of structure that used to form your days.  What are you going to do?

    Stop panicking.  Slow down for a few minutes and let your body and your mind settle. Accept that you do not have to adhere to 8 hour days.

    Listen to your body. This isn’t too hard because you will soon find that “it” has a lot to say. Start by paying attention to when you are tired, hungry, energetic or reflective. Use that information to establish a new “routine.”  Once you have a sense of what works for you, you can plan activities that interest you and you will soon find your purpose. You are going to be alright.

  • A Letter

    I don’t know about you, but getting a letter, whether via e-mail or finding it in the dusty crevices of your mailbox, is so great.
    Whether it comes from someone you haven’t thought of in years, or a friend that you know quite intimately, matters not. It is communication with the outside world. What could be better than that?   

    Whatever happened to old fashioned letter writing?  We talk a lot about the importance of connection, so why does it seem so hard?  We can blame technology, but that isn’t the real reason. Quite the contrary, we should be thanking technology for giving us so many ways to connect with others.

     The people who can’t seem to write a letter, even a short one, are the same ones that can’t bring themselves to type out a text message, an e-mail, or even a few words via messenger. Is it that they don’t care?

    Communication is dying right in front of our eyes.  Pictures are nice but they don’t give off the same “reach out and touch someone” vibe as the written or spoken word, even if it is to just to tell someone that they are alive and well.  

    The trouble with tech communication is that you read it, delete it, and forget it. Not so with real letters. Surely, I am not the only one who has a shoebox filled with letters tucked away somewhere. My box is filled with letters written 30 odd years from a daughter stationed on the other side of the world. They were appreciated then and cherished now.

    Write a letter to someone today. A “remember when”, or just a “I am thinking of you” moment, or for no reason at all. An excellent anecdote if you are feeling lonesome or melancholy. Our circle of friends is dwindling and we are helpless to do anything about it, but for every friend who has passed away there is someone who would love to hear from you.

    Writing is so easy. You don’t have to take a class to learn how to do it.  If your hands are stiff or shaky, it is perfectly alright to text or e-mail or pick up the phone. It’s the thought that counts. Go ahead.  Make someone’s day. Make your own day.

  • Little Things

    Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Everyone’s favorites things, but hardly likely to get you through rough times. Something else comes to mind, the “little things” that somehow make the ordinary become extraordinary.

    Little things that may be so insignificant that you barely notice them would be dearly missed if they were absent. Think of them as hugs that you didn’t know you needed. You know, when you are feeling tired, achy, discouraged, or when you are “coming down with something.” Hugs. It may be time to give credit where credit is due?

    My personal favorite is the first cup of coffee of the day. You know, the one you take back to the bedroom to savor in peace, before getting ready to face the day. That’s not all. There is that steaming hot shower at the end of a grueling day. As a senior you likely don’t have as many grueling days as you used to, but there are enough aches, pains, and frustrations to make up the difference.

     If you haven’t isolated a few little things to get you through the day, you are missing out on the “finest of the fine.”.

     Life, as we know it, is made up of a series of events, big and small. Hopefully you aren’t spending so much time waiting for the big events that you fail to notice the small, because they deserve better than that,   

    By now you might have noticed that the big events are few and far between. They were great and you deserved every one of them. Your wedding, birthday parties, good performance evaluations, and the promotion that you worked so hard for made everything else seem worthwhile.

    The little things are actually more memorable, and they are yours alone. I hope you take a moment, now and then, to notice how they made you feel?  Little things like basking in the warmth of the sun, taking a bubble bath, feeding the birds. or laughing at the antics of your puppy. Little things that put a smile on your face or bring tears to your eyes.  Cherish them.

  • The Glass Half Full Club

    Everyone knows the glass half full story. It’s a great thought, but it gets harder to swallow as the years roll by. It relates though, depending on how you look at that glass.

    Senior friends tend to be happy to be alive and reasonably well, but that doesn’t mean they don’t complain about the “side effects” of aging.  We all vowed, back in the day, that we would not talk incessantly about our ailments, but it is happening.  We have reached an age where symptoms, surgeries, and doctor appointments fill our calendars. Of course we talk about them, it’s hard not to, because fellow seniors are the only ones who understand. It is like belonging to a club.

    So, as club members we grin and bear it, but we sometimes wonder what happened to the rest of that glass?  We try to avoid the “D” (depression) word because we love life and are happy that we are still able to enjoy it.

    Aging happens. It is disconcerting.  It sneaked up on us when we weren’t looking. We didn’t plan. We didn’t know. We saw it happening to other people, but we never thought it would happen to us.  

    Learning how to cope is a full-time job. Complaining is just problem solving, right?  We can even look at the bright side, but only because we have each other.

    Problem solving and laughter are paramount. Researchers agree, and studies conclude that older people, that’s us, are happier than we were before all this happened.  Go figure. Perhaps finding out that half a glass is “good enough” is the answer, or it could be that we now have time to “find ourselves,” whatever that means.

    Everyone wants to “find themselves,” but how to do that remains a mystery.    The words meditation, prayer, and socialization are stressed, but they are hard to do alone.  This is where “the club” fits in.  

    Throw away unrealistic expectations but by all means talk about your surgeries, symptoms, and other issues, but be positive. Nobody wants to hear the woe-is-me saga, but there is nothing wrong with seeking understanding.

  • Gift of Time

    People of extraordinary wisdom have been telling us for years that the only thing we don’t have enough of is “time.”  Of course we knew that, but it is so easy to forget. It takes a lifetime of living for that homily to sink in.   

    When and why did we get so careless with time? How often did we said, “It doesn’t matter, we can do it later, or there will always be other days?”

    We became masters at “putting things off” because we thought we had all the time in the world. It doesn’t work that way, does it? We know the answer to that now; it’s one of those older and wiser things.  

    Our excuses were always the same.  We were too busy or too distracted, even though we knew, deep down, that time wasted is an opportunity missed.

    So much to do. So little time. Getting behind, putting things off, and rescheduling are all byproducts of wasted time.  It is way too easy to think, or say, “let’s wait a minute. We can do that tomorrow, or next month, or maybe never.” Wasting time becomes a mantra, until so much time has gone by that we can never catch up.  

    What can you do to slow time down? What about declaring a “WHAT IF” day. A day to ponder all the possibilities that were postponed, or missed altogether, because you thought you had more time.  

    “WHAT IF” today was the day you were supposed to meet the love of your life, or the day you said “No” to a move or a promotion because something better might come along?  “WHAT IF” you knew that today was going to be the last time you were to see a parent, a friend, or your child?  

    There is no guarantee that tomorrow is going to be better than today. If we haven’t learned anything else, we should have at least learned that we shouldn’t squander the time we have left. There are parents, grandparents, and children to hug, phone calls to make, letters to write, volunteer opportunities to fulfill, thoughts to think, and prayers to breathe.

  • Decisions

    Seniors have a lot of decisions to make. You will likely shrug your shoulders and think that you have been doing this forever, what’s the big deal now?  Think about it. Senior decisions are all “big deals,” mainly because you no longer have the luxury of changing your mind.  

    The brain changes as you age, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Age, accompanied by experience and wisdom are a hard combination to beat.  This is a good thing, because the decisions you make today will be forever.

    Social media makes it difficult to settle. Outside forces are always suggesting that if you hold out long enough you will find something bigger and better.  Deep down you know this isn’t true. You need to make decisions based on your own personality, your own personal history, and your own values.

    Obviously, an emergency situation, where immediate action is called for, doesn’t give you time to second guess yourself, but fortunately most decisions are more forgiving than that.   

    How do you make your decisions? Do you fly by the seat of your pants, or do you agonize over each and every one of them?  You do know by now that all decisions don’t have to be big deals, and that sometimes “good enough” is well, good enough.

    By the time you reach senior status you have learned that it is best not to overload yourself. Little things like “deciding” what to wear or whether you need to do laundry today are not worth agonizing about. It is okay to let routines (things you do without thinking) take over in everyday life. Focus instead on lifestyle changes, which, as it turns out, are a big deal.  

    Like most humans you can drive yourself crazy without out any outside help at all, but if you make poor decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself.

    The lesson learned, of course, is that YOU want to make decisions (hopefully good ones) that will allow you to live out your days with grace and maturity.  No more second guessing.  

  • Leaving The Nest

    Ah, I know what you are thinking. Leaving the nest is all about the kids leaving home. You have been there and done that, but what does that have to do with you now?

    Experiencing the classic empty nest syndrome, and physically leaving your own nest, is an entirely different story. However, the emotional overtones are the same, no matter what your age.  

    Whether you are 18 or 80, the thought of leaving the place where you have lived for many years is heart wrenching.  As a parent you were teary-eyed when the last child left your nest, but it was your nest, and empty of family or not, it held the story of you.

    A lot will depend on the lifestyle that you adopted, but in today’s mobile society, even having a nest is a minor miracle. It ceases to be a big deal when you move often, but you aren’t the only one who has lived in a family home for decades.

    People who have moved frequently know the drill. Whether a military family or a wife following a spouse from one end of the country to the other, you learned early on that too much stuff drags you down, not to mention how costly it is.  

    Everyone else, the ones who stayed on the farm or in the same town for a lifetime, will find downsizing a little harder.  It is not surprising that “nesters” become deeply attached to “things,” and that they find downsizing quite disturbing.

    True downsizing means reducing the size of your home. You are doing this for a reason and it is going to require a lot of thought, research, and planning.

    The biggest decision will be about what you can keep, what can be given away, and what ends up in the trash. If you seriously can’t do this, it might be prudent to hire a professional organizer (an outside party who can be firm but kind).

    Your job is to keep in mind that you want to be remembered for being a kind, thoughtful, wonderful person, rather than for all of the stuff you accumulated.

  • Mini-Bucket Lists

    Stop thinking of a bucket list as something only the rich and famous are entitled to. Everyone needs a bucket list. It’s a last hurrah, isn’t it?

    Bucket lists are traditionally thought of as all the things that you want to do before you die. Let’s substitute the word “try” instead of “die” and broaden our horizons.      

    If things “not done” are starting to weigh heavily on your mind, you might start thinking about making that list. In the past you were busy with school, jobs, families, and proving ourselves. No time for lists, bucket or otherwise.  

    When people start thinking about making a bucket list they joke about visiting the Taj Mahal or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, but they know that isn’t going to happen.

    This is where another kind of bucket list comes into play. For lack of a better word, let’s call it a mini bucket list. Instead of pipe dreams you can fill your bucket with all of the “little things” that have piqued your interest throughout the years. For me it was a high school art class. I wasn’t particularly good, but I wasn’t bad either. I remember thinking “someday” I’ll come back to this.  That was 60 years ago but you never know.

    What were your “somedays”?  I’m not talking about that trip around the world, although none of us would likely refuse if it were offered, but of all the other little things.    

    Make a list. Learn how to play bridge, start a birding list, or plant some seeds. Write your memoirs, make a gratitude list, research your ancestry, paint a picture, or go back to school.

     Get rid of the notion that you have to master everything that you try. Focus on enjoying the journey. If your first attempts don’t measure up, you can cross them off your list and move on to something else. Knowing that you gave it your best shot is all of the validation you should need.

    Sound too ambitious? Start small by trying to catch up with relatives and friends.  There is always something to be happy about if you take time to look.

  • Time To Do Nothing

    When we were kids doing nothing was okay. Well not always, because we were introduced to chores early on. Parents were not able to drive us to one organized activity after the other, so we were expected to entertain ourselves. If we complained or whined about feeling bored, they would threaten to find “something” unpleasant for us to do.  Needless to say we went outside, or to our rooms and did something, or nothing at all,

    Doing nothing is too often equated with self-indulgence or laziness. Not true. We all need “time outs.” When your brain gets used to doing too much, you begin to think being anxious is normal.

    When you stop focusing on “doing things”, the brain has a chance to go into default mode, and guess what? Creativity kicks in and problem solving occurs. Wow!  

    Busy people fear wasting time. God forbid if someone catches you sitting back with your eyes closed when you are supposed to be working. Strict supervisors often forget that the brain is always working.    

    It is not easy to slow down, to stop, and to do nothing. Instead of feeling guilty, you should be giving yourself permission to do nothing. Stop looking at your phones and other monitors. You don’t need technology regulating every aspect of your life.

    When you spend your life moving fast, you come to believe that it is essential to your survival. Think about it: working, parenting, socializing, volunteering, maintaining your home or whatever. No wonder you are in a perpetual state of anxiety.

    At what age or level of security does anxiety fade? It seems there is always something to be anxious about.  What will happen if that drive starts to fade? Will you feel lazy, confused and dogged by your old hardworking habits? Can you get over asking yourself if you were productive today?

    What will happen if you don’t rush off anywhere? The world is not going to end tomorrow if you allow yourself to take a nap, read a book, pet your dog or watch a favorite movie. Take a break. Do nothing and let your brain recalibrate. Reconnect with yourself.

  • What Happens Now?

    A blackout, an injury fall and the feeling that Mother Nature has pulled out the rug is a low blow. “Not fair” you say, but we all know that something like this is bound to happen sooner or later. Life, as you/we know it, will never be the same.      

    Ageing is frustrating. It has a number of upsides, but that doesn’t make the downs any easier. Modifying your environment is one thing, but making the changes demanded by a misbehaving body is something else. Once your confidence takes a hit it is hard to get it back.  

    Old age changes your world in so many ways.  Surgery, rehabilitation, and new medications can help, but it is going to take sheer willpower to get your mojo back.  

    Will you ever be as strong as you were before?  It seems impossible when your elbow hurts, your shoulder won’t rotate, your knee has lost its range of motion, and you are flooded with negative thoughts.  Confidence and a “can do” attitude have always worked before, but what happens when your control seems to be slipping away?

    You can change your environment but accepting and changing the way you have always done things is more challenging.   Little things like driving your car or going for a walk need to be scrutinized closely, because now you have to factor in your safety as well as the safety of others.

    The world is not going to end tomorrow if you have ask someone else to shop for you, clean your house, or drive you to appointments.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.   You are still “you” even if some of your parts don’t work as well as they used to.

     Check your attitude at the door and arm yourself with a new sense of determination (advice to self).  Accept the inevitable and move forward, one step at a time.  Acknowledge that the old way of doing things is not the only way.  Your brain, fortunately, retains its ability to reconfigure itself, to learn, throughout an entire lifetime. Personal growth had no expiration date.